the lament of the non-mom
perhaps i should start a separate blog all about my irrational fear of having children.
in case the million and a half facebook posts, huge displays of cards at walgreens, and every discount flash sale website email didn't clue you in, we recently celebrated a holiday dedicated to moms.
a holiday that is so well deserved. i have learned over the past year how tough, scary, rewarding, enlightening, exhausting, and downright crazy mommyhood is. all of my friends have children of varying ages and i have seen what they are going through and what they are learning about themselves and i'm in total awe of what they do and the sacrifices they make. mommys definitely deserve a holiday all about them.
please don't let anything i'm about to say make you think otherwise.
i'm kind of over it.
this year mother's day was kind of like single's awareness day for me. nevermind the fact that my mom has passed and i can't celebrate with her (believe me i have plenty of mom's to celebrate with so even though i miss her, that void is full of love and support from many people).
at church on sunday, just like every other mother's day that i've celebrated at that church, and i'm sure like most other churches honor moms, the kids all get to hand out pretty flowers to all the moms. our pastor has them all stand up and the kids run around, shyly handing a flower to some woman they have never met before. it is sweet and quite funny sometimes.
i got two flowers.
mostly because the kids ran up to me, even though i was sitting down, and looked at me, obviously confused as to why i wasn't already holding a flower. i must be a mom - i look old enough to be a mom. i didn't want to embarrass them so i took the flowers and said thank you (i mean i do have dogs!) but during the "greet your neighbor" part of the service, i handed my flowers off to a couple of mom's who came in late and missed that part.
so there are the first two bullets straight to the chest.
i look like a mom. i'm old enough to be a mom. i'm confusing small children because i'm not a mom.
is something wrong with me?
then after service was over and i'm walking out the door, an older lady comes up and puts her arm around me and says that maybe next year i will be able to celebrate mother's day too.
um. ouch. not just an owwwie or a boo-boo but dang.
an open gaping wound.
inside i was bleeding, hurting, sobbing. but i just put on my pastor-wife smile and said "maybe so - we'll see."
why do i have to be a mom to celebrate mother's day? i'm pretty sure there is no book outlining the rules of mother's day, who is allowed to celebrate and who isn't. i know that isn't exactly what she meant and i'm being very literal but cut me some slack. i was already emotional anyways.
it blows my mind how people can be so terribly insensitive. having children is a decision that my husband i get to make together. having a kid so i get to participate in a holiday is a pretty craptastic reason to do it right? what if chris and i have been trying for years and haven't been able to? what if i simply don't want kids? i believe its no one's business but ours.
earlier i called it an irrational fear. is it really irrational to NOT want to have children? i realize that makes me different from most women, but whether or not i push a child out of my hoo-ha or adopt one from a third world country doesn't make me any more or any less of a person. of a WOMAN. i can be a perfectly fine, fully functional person and woman with or without a progeny. at least that is what i'd like the world to believe anyways.
so that is what is on my mind. you know - this blog is where i can let my crazy out sometimes. so there you have it.
You're not alone in this, lady. I'm not married (and that's not going to happen any time soon, either!) but I have a lot of friends who are and having babies. I'm happy for them, and I love kids, but since when did my validation as a human being become based off of whether I have or can't wait to have kids?
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I want them, either. In theory, I do, but I haven't met a person I'd want to have them with yet, and if/when I do, who knows if I'll be at an age where I feel I can handle that? Are all of my studies and work and volunteering with youth now somehow negated because I haven't become a mother myself? And since when is it anyone's business?
OK, rant off, but I wanted you to know that a lot of us are feeling this way. Kids are a blessing if you choose to have them or are able to have them. But I also believe that working with children, believing in children, mentoring children, etc. are special callings and are blessings in themselves. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Thank you thank you thank you Lauren!! You words are so affirming and comforting. I know I'm not alone in this world in my viewpoints but sometimes I forget that because I'm personally surrounded with kiddos! Big hug to you friend! Thank you!! xoxo
DeleteI think this is such a hard topic because so many people put pressure on women to have children. Parents, the media, friends, family, etc. Because that is what women "are suppose to do." is pop out a million and one babies. I don't believe that for one second & I have kids.
ReplyDeleteI love everything about being a mother and it truly is wonderful to me. But not being able to have kids or not wanting them doesn't make you any less of a woman! My aunt in law has zero children - she didn't want any. But while she doesn't have any of her own she has a big amount of nieces & nephews and great nieces and nephews and she is happy with that and that is OKAY!
I also know women who have kids who are complaining every time they turn around because they can't do what they want anymore or because their kids are doing this or that ... if you didn't want kids why did you have them?! Ya know?
Anywho - I love you tons and I think you have been blessed with having children in your life even if they are not your kids! If/when the day comes you decide you want kids that's great if not that's great too! You are a great women regardless if you have little's attached to your hip or not! :) Stay strong sweet friend!
Thank you Cassie!! I think you are such a great mom and quite a role model for me in balancing everything and staying present with your kiddos. The world does place quite a bit of pressure on women that the defining factor of being a woman is giving birth so it is nice to hear it isn't true in real life. :) HUGS friend! Thank you! xoxo
DeleteSo many women struggle with this. I dont think you're the only one. I wish there were a lot of more people who put this much thought and soul-searching into having children. The Lord puts wishes and desires on our heart and those usually have a lot to do with what His will us for us. If He hasn't put that on your heart, then He has bigger/greater/incredible plans for you that you can't see yet. If He has put it on your heart and you're scared of it, then that's something you'll need to work through. Children aren't for everyone and I think it's wonderful that you are so focused on making sure that you are ready/committed to them, because it is a huge emotional/consuming commitment.
ReplyDeleteThis is going to sound kind of monotonous but I'm more scared of NOT having kids out of fear and realizing too late that I want it and I can't now. Not doing something because you are scared of it is no way to live life, that is for sure. It isn't all fear that holds me back - I think if you have kids it should be because you want to share your love with another person and bring new life in the world. I can't see kids that way - I see them as another responsibility. So until I get past that I don't think I'm ready.
DeleteBut anyways - thank you so much for your kind comment and your encouraging words!! :)
Wow that is an incredibly insensitive comment. I think it's perfectly okay not to want kids, just like it's okay not to want to get married, but your reasoning shouldn't be based on fear. That's something you have to hand over to God and trust Him to take care of. If he says having kids is not his plan for you, that's cool. But if he says not to fear, that his power is made perfect in weakness and that he can use your talents (and imperfections!) to teach a small person about him, then the last thing you'd want is to say "no thanks" to what might be a way that God can grow you, teach you and bless your face off. But I'm still sorry about your crappy mothers day. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks it was insensitive. I know that now I will never mention that to anyone (not that I've ever made a big deal about it to begin with) but I am definitely more sensitive to it now that I've experienced it myself.
DeleteYour comment made my heart swell and flutter. Having the knowledge that my weaknesses and fears are made perfect in Him is such a huge encouragement. I needed to hear those exact words. I cannot thank you enough!!! Thank you friend! xoxo :)
I'm sorry your mother's day sucked. You are certainly a mama to those adorable pups of yours - so you are a mother in my book! I think this entire subject is really important and I think a lot of other women can relate to it. You will never be less of a woman if you choose to never have children, or more of a woman if you do. You will never be less of a mother (if you choose) if you have your child(ren) naturally or adopt. A mother is a mother in my book - and I'll always see it that way.
ReplyDeleteThe woman's comment at church was extremely insensitive, and frankly I'm convinced too many people open their mouths before they actually think and that drives me insane. Sure, she probably didn't realize what she was saying or that it was frankly offensive, but either way. Tact people - tact.
The decision of being a mother is one for you, your husband and God to make. That's it. It's no one else's business. You'll find the answers you are looking for! :)
Oh Kristina your words are so encouraging and wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing them with me and being supportive - especially as someone who is expecting (which I find myself to be totally jealous of, in awe of, and scared witless by at the same time!!) I so appreciate your kind comment. It matters that someone thinks I'm a mom even if its the furry-four-legged-kid kind! :) xoxo
DeleteLove your honesty and I totally understand. Up until last year I was 31 and never married and no kids and people kinda treated me like there might be something wrong with me! Forget that maybe I didnt want to rush into anything and have my marriage end in divorce or be one of the girls who ended up having a slew of babies at a young age only to be trapped in small town America (I know you're feeling me on this one Skye). And it sucked. And I won't lie - I cried a lot and hurt a lot and got frustrated a lot. But in the end, I made the decisions that were best for me and they've ended up making me truly happy. So, just hand in there. Most people are stupid and insensitive and ignorant... they just don't know any better! ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is nice to have someone in the same boat as me! There is absolutely nothing wrong with us and we are perfectly normal, beautiful, successful and FULLY women even without our own children. I admire your total embracement of your new family and how you are taking them all in as your own. I plan to learn lots from you! :) xoxo
DeleteThis mother's day was really hard for me too. With all the infertility treatments, plus cementing the fact that mom is off her rocker and no good to be around... i was kind of a beotch that day. not gonna lie :) (poor ethan!) it just stinks that people say things that are so...wrong. so many people say terrible things to me about not having kids.
ReplyDeleteit's good that you aren't rushing into anything child wise! if you ever need a chat, you know i'm here <3
I think I could have written this post a few years ago. I was struggling with such uncertainty when it came to having children. I didn't think I wanted children, but some days I thought maybe I did. And I was terrified to raise a child, terrified of having a child...everything about it was scary. My husband and I had been married for 5 years, we were working with the youth group at our church, and people in our congregation were sometimes really insensitive about it. We were either weird for not wanting kids, or something must be wrong with my fertility. And I kept thinking "it's none of your business!"
ReplyDeleteWe had a little girl a few years ago, and now I get harassed because I don't want any more kids, and there must be something wrong with me for not giving my child siblings. I guess I can't win. : ) But I sure do love our little girl a lot.
God has a plan for you and your husband...and even though other people might not understand it, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Hang in there...better days are ahead! : )
I freaking love your honesty, Skye. I really hate how uncouth people can be - especially church people. I'm sorry you experienced that. If you haven't read this yet, you should (http://messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/). The church really needs to get better about either ignoring mother's day (I'm over it as a mother and a daughter) or using it as a time to lift up ALL women as mother-types. Last Mother's Day I was about 5 weeks pregnant and about 2.5 months past a miscarriage. Some sweet youth girls handed me a flower and told me I was "like a mother" to them. I completely lost it. If only we could all be as innocent and compassionate as naive sweet young ladies.
ReplyDelete